like a canker

It's 11pm and I'm sitting in bed on Andrew's cell phone with a mouthful of lidocaine and liquid benadryl. What better to do than blog?

I love my boys like crazy, but I blame them for the mess I'm in. I have dealt with auto-immune disorders for 20 years and having babies sort of threw it all into overdrive for me. After Claire, my colitis took off. After the boys...mouth ulcers.

Since about a month after welcoming our sweet boys, I have dealt with flaring mouth ulcers every month. That's 11 months of canker sores. I usually get 5-10 at a time and a normal bout last for almost two weeks. Sometimes more.

Right now I have 6 and have been in this current flare for three weeks. One on the inside of my upper lip, one opposite that on the bottom, one where my tongue meets my throat, two under my tongue and one on the inside of my cheek.

We know it's autoimmune, we don't know exactly why they're non-stop. Canker sores are not a virus like herpes (cold sores) and cannot be spread from person to person. They just hurt like hell. They're often from stress, injury, allergies or some unknown cause. They also run in the family, which is part of the reason I'm blogging this now. There is a very good chance one of the kids will have them, and being able to reference my own recordings may help.

When I smile, talk, eat, laugh, kiss my kids, sleep on my side, wash my face, brush my teeth, bump into a baby face or drink, they're there. All day long, the pain nags at me. There is no pain more irritating than facial pain. Ugh. It feel like biting your tongue 200 - 300 times a day. You know when you stab your gums with a piece of a tortilla chip and you just grab your face and moan? That. All day.

I am so blessed to have a husband who understands the pain and still forces me to laugh through it. Tonight I was so tired of talking and moving my mouth and he came at me anyway, knowing I'd rather laugh with him than sit with the pain. He made me laugh til I cried, but I can put the pain aside. What I can't put aside is the chance to make memories with him.

On Monday I see a rheumatologist. I am so, so excited. My PCP seems to think I have Behcet's Disease. That would be bad news, but we could deal with it. At this point, we just need help solving the puzzle. I'll be spending this weekend working on a detailed medical history and I hope to come home Monday with some ideas.

I am tired, but I'm not a complainer. I can deal with the pain, and I know I could deal with a lot more pain. I'm pretty hardcore. But if there is an explanation behind these and a way to fix them, I'd be all about that. Life is so fun and there are so many reasons to smile, laugh and kiss. It doesn't feel fair that the actions associated with love and happiness should cause so much pain. Mama needs her smile back, y'all!

Alrighty. This girl is all numbed up with someplace to go. Time to hit the hay and rest up for the weekend. :-)