Movin' on up.

How badly do I not want to move? I don't think there are even words...but alas. The choices of our landlord have made it impossible to stay.
Let me list the reasons we've moved over the past 4 years.

Grad school
Baby
Growing baby - need more space
Another baby - need even more space
Had a "feeling"
Feeling was right
Landlord stopped paying the mortgage

We thought this was a 2-year lease. I still don't know what it's like to live somewhere for 2 years. The last time that happened was...1999-2001.

Lucy is confused and it's breaking my heart to tell her, "well, we're putting it in a box so we can take it to a new house..." I keep trying to tell myself that Lucy has had more stability in her young life than most kids ever get. Having me home from day 1 has set her up for confidence and ease where these transitions are concerned. But it doesn't make me feel better when I think about what she must be feeling as her books and toys go back into boxes. Molly's too young to care, and for that I'm truly grateful.
I told Andrew tonight that when we buy, i only want it to be because we've built a new home that feels like ours from the very start. I'm so tired of decorating somebody else's house. :-( I keep telling myself that my house is such a small matter compared to everything else. But it just makes ms so sad to once again put our things away and once again rent a truck and once again unpack on the other side. What hurts the most is being forced out when we're so blissfully happy in this wonderful house.
The new house is about 15 minutes from here, and about 8 minutes from Andrew's office. We're very excited about that part! It's also MUCH closer to our Church, our friends and my OB, which will be great if a) the time comes for another baby or b) we find out that it's more difficult than we thought to carry to term.
The house is the same size as this one, if not a tad bigger. All on one level, so we don't yet have to worry about Holy Molly and stairs. The lot is smaller, but we'll be in a master-planned community with parks, trails and pools, so I'm not worried.
Lucy and Molly MAY be sharing a room/bed after we move, depending on how they do on our trip to MD next week. If it's a total disaster...well...that's why we insisted on 4 bedrooms!

- Posted with love from my iPhone

I pulled Lucy aside midday for a little "appreciation" time... Went exactly like this:

A: Lucy, you are so smart and funny and beautiful. Thank you for always helping around the house and being the best little girl you can be!
L: Daddy, I'm a BIG girl.
A: of course. Sorry. Lucy what's your fav color?
L: blue and pink.
A: what color is your hair?
L: ummmmmmm... Its kind of red ....... And purple.
A: ha! It's not purple! We say prayers at each meal and at bed, right?
L: Yeeeeesssss ( in a very sarcastic sassy tone )
A: what's your religion?
L: YMCA.

Well, we go to church once a week and the gym... Obviously we go there "religiously"!!!!

Lucy Cooke, you crack me out.

Love dad.

Toe-tally Broken

I broke my toe. It's black and blue and sore all over. I ran into the brick on our front stoop, walking through the front door. I actually fell over and cried for awhile. I also did NOT use any bad language. Snaps!

This was as we were walking in the house after a trip to the pool. On the way home, I told Andrew that I'm really loving my new gym routine and am just enjoying pushing myself as hard as I can. Spin class is awesome and now I'm going to Total Body Tone, as well, which is really turning out to be a killer. Spin class really isn't "pushing" me much right now, which is good and bad. It means that my endurance is great and I'm in good shape. But it also means that if I don't find something else to mix things up, I'm going to stop seeing great results. So I'm trying a few new classes to see where else I can really work hard. TBT just about killed me on Thursday, so I'm going to go again on Tuesday - I really shouldn't be taking my toe to Total Body, as it's a step class that combines with a tough weight routine, but there's a waiting list and I'm signed up, so I'm not ABOUT to lose my spot to a stupid whiny pinkie toe. I'll just wear one shoe and one flip-flop and do everything I can to keep up. Who knows? With another day of rest, I'm might be able to put my shoe on!

In the meantime, I'm going to hit up yoga, pilates and water fit to make sure I don't slack off. Hopefully I can get to spin by the end of the week. :-( We also have a bajillion playdates, meetings and other things to get to this week, so Pinkie better straighten up and heal quick!

Texas freezer going on 2 full weeks at over 100 degrees! OverFLOWing with popsicles!!!!

Denim Duo

Do you ever look at your most worn pair jeans and think, "what on earth would I wear if I didn't have you?!"

That's how I feel about Andrew. He's a little softer every time I pull him out of the dryer, doesn't mind mud on his cuffs, hugs my butt well...you know, just like my best jeans.

Oh, be serious. You know what I mean! What on earth would I do without him? Just like my favorite jeans, he's a constant. Only good surprises.
We're coming up on 5 years of marriage. That's a lot of marriage for someone who's relatively new to the whole business. It's been the easiest, silliest, sunniest, funniest 5 years of my life.

What do I look forward to? On February 4th, 2076, I'm going to type, "wow! 70 years already?!?" and I'll pat his knee and say, "okay - posted. Now let's go to bed - I've got spin class in the morning!" and he'll just smile at me. Cause I'm 96 and awesome, and he's 97 and going fishing in the morning.

The difference between my jeans and my husband? I probably won't turn him into cutoffs, and I'll never outgrow the love of a man like him.



- Posted with love from my iPhone

A little update - in pictures.

Watching Big Sister conducting a Cone Tutorial. 

Playing Rock Band with Daddy!

She's a rocker, through and through.

As if you can't tell what's happening here.

Real Estate Molly says, "When choosing a home, you can never go wrong with a wet bar in the living room!" 

You can't hear it, but Molly is moaning, "Poooooooool Mama....Poooooool Mama..."

Imagine Lucy's delight when Andrew "planted" this in her sandbox!

Cookeville Pulls the Plug - Day 1

No tv in our house today. It's been....different. Lucy usually watches PBS, or it's just on in the background. She loves PBS, and I figured, "Eh, she's still talking like crazy and is behaving well - i'll let it slide since it's so flippin' hot outside."

And then I started reading The Read Aloud Handbook by Jim Trelease. Now I don't care who you are. That book matters. Over and over and over, it matters. TV may very well be killing our kids. I decided that the first step toward total literacy in our house was to turn off the TV for a full week. I want to see what it does to the overall attitude around the house.

The DFW metroplex boasts a fabulous classical music station and since we have speakers throughout the house, that was my first step. So far, so good. I adore classical music and I'd like my girls to have the same love for it that I do. Classical music always makes a big difference in our day, when I remember to turn it on.

The one thing I noticed right away was that as soon as Lucy didn't have something to watch, she was distracting Molly and pulling her all over the house, leaving me free to cook, clean and otherwise go about my day. They've played so well all day and are coming up with all sorts of strange things.

The second thing I noticed was the absence of tantrums - things were much smoother when we didn't have the TV breaking up the day and demanding extra negotiating.

And tonight...tonight was the best. I decided that Lucy and I should start phasing out picture books and move into novels. As an avid reader, I'm SO excited about this next step in Lucy's literacy. Tonight we started Peter Pan. I decided to start with an abridged version just because I want her to get used to forming pictures in her mind before I start adding lengthy descriptions. This version of the story has chapters, but they're shorter and keep the "meat" of the story. Lucy just loved it. As soon as she learned there was a fairy in the story, she was hooked. We read four chapters tonight and she went to bed begging to "hold the book" in bed with her.

Tomorrow, we really don't have much going on. Just Day 2 of our Pulling The Plug week. I could stand to organize a few closets and the like, but I may just stay in my jammies til naptime and lie around on the floor with my girls.

The house hunt has taken sort of an odd turn for us. I think we're sort of just floating around on the whole idea. Because the gov't is going to be bringing the troops home, it puts us in a different place as far as Andrew's job. Since Andrew's job is to provide resources for overseas troops, specifically those in the Middle East, the news that we're "on track" to bring them home sort of puts Andrew and I at a crossroads. Do we forge ahead and just assume that come July, he'll be in a different function? Do we safely continue to rent in case we need to relocate or find a different lane within the defense field? I'm not worried about Andrew having employment. Not at all. Andrew is a dynamic, driven and truly talented contractor. He can find work and has plenty of contacts within his field. Neither of us really feels that his current company would let him go, but knowing that there will be a huge shift in his particular area, we're a little nervous about being under a mortgage.

That being said, we're ready to put down roots and give Lucy and Mo a forever house. I know we can't live forever in the "what if" lane, but as long as we can responsibly stay out of what could be a potential financial crisis, I think we might stay put. We have another year on our lease and we love the house we're in, so as long as our landlord doesn't do anything too drastic, I think we've decided we'd be happy to stay here until next summer. At that time, we'd know what Andrew's job forecast would be and would have a better idea of exactly how his new company operates. He's only been there since April, so we're still trying to figure out the company dynamics and Andrew is still wading around in the political end of the pool, I think.

Let's see...what else is new? The miscarriage is officially behind us and we're doing okay. Looking forward to finishing out the summer and seeing what the Fall will bring. We have a video camera in the mail and it may be here TOMORROW! We're VERY excited about this little piece of news, as we lost our little point and shoot and had no way at all to get videos of the girls. Molly is a stinkin' riot and we can't wait to share her insanity with you! Lucy has so many weird stories. Here's a great one.

L: Mama? Do other kids have nests?

Me: I'm sure other Mamas makes nests for their babies. ("Nests" being two Boppies in a circle covered in blankets for toddler sleeping bliss.)

L: Does Siah have one?

Me: I'm not sure. I'll bet Aunt Lisa makes him nests when he sleeps.

L: We should probably go there and make sure. We'll take...a plane. We'll get a ladder and climb to the plane. I can give Siah one of my Boppies since I have two. He will love, love, LOVE his nest. We can show Aunt Weesa how to make them and he'll be so, so, SO happy!

Me: That sounds....like a very tall ladder.

So this is what they were talking about....

...until now, raising kids wasn't expensive. We've been very lucky to dodge any major medical mishaps, I breastfeed, we don't buy baby food, they don't go to daycare...our only real expense is goldfish and string cheese.

But the clothes....ugh. Lucy has finally started growing. Her clothes used to last for such a long time. All of a sudden, we can't keep her in anything. We took her shopping in June for a whole new summer wardrobe, knowing that she'll need it up through at least October here. EVERYTHING from that lot is too small, with the exception of two sundresses.

Yesterday there was a small mishap at Target and Molly threw away one of Lucy's shoes. We got to the car and I said, "Lucy, your shoe isn't here." Lucy replied, "No, I know. Molly threw it out of the sopping cart!" Yeah...thanks for letting me know when you SAW her do it. I guess this falls into our "I do Molly, you do you" category.

So she needed new sandals. However, soccer season is coming. So she needs new tennis shoes, as she grew out of her spring shoes, and we need to find tiny shin guards.

Just thinking about the things I know she needs off the top of my head...

T-shirts - 4 or 5
At least 3 pair of knit shorts
1 pair demin shorts, 1 pair khaki
A couple more dresses - she only has 2 right now
One more paid of sandals for church

Of course, once November hits, she's going to need long-sleeved shirts, jeans, longer pants and a pair of sturdier shoes for chucrch, as well as a winter jacket and a couple of jumpers or long-sleeved dresses for church.

She's just growing SO fast. I'm moving clothes into Molly's room faster than I can blink, and poor Molly is just up to her ears in dresses and sandals. On the other hand, I'm still going to need to do some shopping for Poppers, as they're going to overlap a bit on seasons and sizes. Once we get into the colder weather, I'm anticipating needing to find some long-sleeved shirts for her as well. And Lucy was in size 5's for her fall and winter shoes last year and Molly is in 5's right NOW, which means we're going to need to do some shoe-shopping as well.

I feel ill.

oh the joys...

I could seriously listen to her talk all day. Even if you just say "uh huh" or "Oh? Is that right?" she will go on and on and on and on and on. She invited the girl at Cabelas home for dinner. She told her we were having pizza and chocolate milk! I'm sure the aisle clerk in the fishing section was flattered but she declined. I may regret encouraging Lucy to be more outgoing and less shy around grown-ups!!

Driving back from Cabelas...

Lu: "We seed a lot of houses today"

A: "I heard! Mommy said you were a big, nice girl all day! Did you like the houses? Do you want to buy a house?"
Lu: "Daddy, You cannot BUY a HOUSE daddy. They're too big!"

A: "Oh, okay. What do you look for in a house?"

Lu: "Welllll, you look for Molly. And you need beds. The white house did not have beds. We can NOT BUY a HOUSE without BEDS!"

A: "Hmm... You're right. Molly... and beds. What else do we need in a house?"

Lu: "It needs drawers. Lots and lots of drawers. And the lights need to be on."

A few miles later and hundred million words out of her mouth later,

A: "Don't pick your nose your finger will get stuck."

Lu: "I was getting the cookie out of it"

She withdrew her stubby little finger and had remenants of chocolate cookie on her finger. I cannot argue with that one... A few more miles (and millions of phrases) later,

A: "Don't stick your finger up your nose, it'll get stuck"

L: "No it won't. They're small and the hole is very big enough. See?"

I witness the classy demonstration in the rear view mirror. In her defense, she's right. She has small fingers :-)

A: "Well, you're right.", I admit sheepishly, "But it's really really gross and yucky. Moreover, Mommy and Daddy ask you not to do it."

Lu: Chuckling condescendingly, "Daaaadddddddddy," giggles some more, "it's a process."

I kid you not. I heard that phrase. Where'd THAT one come from? She continued...

Lu: "See? You stick it in and you pull it out quick-i-ly (how she's said "quickly" for the last ~5 months, still SUPER cute) and then you wipe it on your legs and you repeat the process."

I heard "it's a process" and "repeat the process" in the same night and in appropriate context! Granted, I'd be more proud if she wasn't explaining picking her nose, but hey, it's a new phrase so I'll celebrate it!!! Sigh, but that will be enough new phrases for this year. She can stop now and I'd be okay! Where'd my little girl go??? :-/ I feel like knowing the word "process" makes her ready for college! :-/  
 Love Dad. 

Ahhh...

I moved my computer back to a dedicated office. I was having trouble blogging out there. Granted, things have been a little crazy around here and my will to blog has been a tad...scarce, but it's also been difficult to blog at the eating bar. See, I need to be able to sit back and formulate as I write. It was not easy formulating out there. It was nice having the computer out there, but not practical. Ah, well. Live and learn.

I'm headed out to see some more houses this afternoon. These are all within about ten minutes of Andrew's office, so that's a very, very, very good thing. I'd love to have him home for lunch every so often! We have a decent list of houses to see, but all of them are so pretty and so perfect. I can't wait to get inside and see them in person. I think looking at houses is the best part of buying. So, so, so fun.

The miscarriage is going...slowly. It feels like I'm never going to move fast again, at this point. I just feel so sluggish, worn out and tired. I'm slowly getting excited about trying again. Andrew has been such a wonderful support and has been so present through all of this. A lot of it is just something a mommy has to do on her own, which is hard on both of us, I think. I can't imagine experiencing true infertility. I can see now why an inability to have children can really drive a couple apart if they're not working so, so hard to keep their marriage alive and communicative. I've just sort of burrowed away inside my head lately and am trying very hard to get back to normal. It's so physically draining that I just sort of pass out wherever I am, so our opportunities to talk and really connect and heal together have been limited. We did end up having a nice weekend even though I was in a lot of pain, and my energy is slowly coming back to the point that I can stay up until 10 or even later, which helps. I can't wait to get these pregnancy hormones out and get back into the gym!

Lucy is a little confused, I think. She understood that we were expecting a baby just from the conversations we'd been having around the house, and she was VERY excited about her "little brother." She's still asking me when he's going to be here and my response has just been that "we just need to pray a little harder to make sure God is ready to let him join us." I'm distracting her with Jenny's baby, who will be here so SOON! We can't wait to meet Olivia! I just hope it can hold Lucy off long enough for us to conceive again and get this show on the road. Molly is asking almost as much as Lucy, too. She's a baby freak and is dying for her own "real" baby. She loves to help the girls at the Y with the tiny babies and is the designated "baby swinger." She could spend hours just staring at the little babies and poking at their hands. She's so good with them and listens so carefully when we give her instructions. I know she's just as anxious as Lucy to get Baby Cooke on the road to Cookeville!

Lucy starts soccer in a few weeks! I'm just THRILLED to pieces over the whole thing. Thrilled. To pieces. I need to go out and buy a video camera for the whole thing. We lost our little digital video camera, which is just awful. We haven't taken video of the girls in ages. I think I'm going to get a flip cam. Maybe this weekend. Maybe. I just can't wait to see her scooting around out on the field. Molly is going to lose her mind over not being able to play soccer. I'm assuming I'll have to bring a ball and shin guards to every single game for her.

Molly is talking up a storm now, much of it being baby chatter. She has a few words:
Hi
No
Bottle
Diaper
Poopy
Pool
Milk
Down
Ground
Mama
Dada
Yeah
Baby
Want that


"Ba" is sort of her stand-in word for everything. She always gets the syllables right, but if she doesn't know the word, she'll throw in a "ba" to keep things moving. She's a very, very busy kid and is into everything, but she's a very good listener and very sensitive to descipline, like Lucy was. She's just much more curious than Lucy was! Her favorite object right now is a framed family picture from Lucy's 2nd birthday party - she was about 10 weeks old or so. Molly will carry this picture all over the house, pointing, exclaiming and screeching over the baby in the picture. She just can't get over how cute the baby is!

Well, I'm going to take a little nap while the girls are down. I have a house to clean, so if I can get some rest before I speed clean and dash up to Keller to look at houses, I'll be a happy girl!

Retro-fab.

Saw our first house in the search today. There really are no words to describe the blue velvet walls, stained glass window decals, mirrored dining room, living room wet bar and lighted, built-in rifle cabinet. It was all very...powder blue tuxedo fabulous.
In other news, my OB may have been downplaying what I should expect during a miscarriage. Not cool, Doc...I've been in pain for 72 straight hours. Thankfully, my emotions are staying in check. This actually feels exactly like my labor with Molly. Only I won't be getting a snuggly baby at the end. Ugh. Tomorrow is playgroup. Lucy is excited, so I'm going to hope that things settle down a little overnight so the playground is more bearable.
Well, I heard a noise outside, so I'm going to panic myself to sleep. My Tylenol is kicking in, so I'm going to hope for a few solid hours of rest!

- Posted with love from my iPhone

The means justify the ends?

Can't decide on several things all at once.

Do I keep See Jane open and running, even if my daily life is already full and busy? Do I just juggle more and focus more, just to have a little piece of something I've put together from scratch? Are my kids already that "from scratch" project?

Do we keep our lease going just like it is or do we take our landlord up on his offer to get out early so we can begin a house hunt? Are we ready to buy? Does this mean Texas is our final stop?

Do I start Lucy on a formal preschool year or put the books on hold another year in favor of working on gentility, grace and early literature?

Do I commit to a dye-free diet with Molly to see if her behavior and general attitude improves, or just chalk it up to toddlerhood and call it a day? Does intervening early mean the start of something good or a lifetime of intervention?

Will we decide to actually "try" for a baby or just let God do with us as He will?


- Posted wonderingly from my iPhone

best birthday ever!

I had the best birthday ever including very thoughtful gifts including:

•  Kisses on my way to work... gee. She's a keeper... Also, if you have not invested yet in a kids Nalgene bottle, get on board. It's Molly's third leg for all intents & purposes!

• Canvas picture of my beloved western MD mountains; absolutely beautiful and now hanging over the couch. Just one amazing region of our beautiful country if you pull off the highway and take a minute to check it out!! Thanks again to Bridget for assisting with this awesome gift!!!

I think this pass on I-68 is called "Martins Mountain" but I'm still researching to make sure!

• Gift card to Cabelas; There is a Cabelas one exit from my office... can anyone say lunch time shopping??? One of my new co-workers owns a ranch in south TX with wild boar that he needs to kill off. I told Laura that I'm going and if I shoot a wild boar I'm taxidermin' it and putting its head and horns on a wall in the living room :-) I'm sure the giftcard can contribute to my ability to acheive the goal of a taxidermied (lol, is that a word?) wild boar!

• Real REMO practice drum! SOOOO fun. Lucy was playing on the kitchen counter (and it was getting loud. Laura said "guys guys guys, please be quiet..." and I told Lucy to say "if it's too loud, you're too old!" she said something like... "We're loud and you're old!" LOL

Mom's way of releasing a little healthy frustration on her crazy toddler.

• 4-TIER rainbow sprinkle cake with sparkling candles; just wait til  you see pictures of this thing!!!

Signed by the artist currently known as "Lucy"

•   Rock Band complete with drums, guitar & mic ANNNNND Beatles, RB2 and Green Day RB! Lucy looks reaaalllllyyyy good (and CUTE) behind this drumset! She likes watching it on the WII too. Perhaps we've stumbled upon something to keep her little 3-year-old mind and hurricane of activity busy for a couple minutes!!!

  Thanks to everyone for the gifts, calls, emails, Fb well-wishes and cards! It's always great when people remember your 25th* birthday and celebrate it with style! ;-)

... This long birthday post brought to you by SATURDAY AFTERNOON NAPTIME which is amplied by cold water (Gerber bottle tops) and long trips to the YMCA pool! 



Man I love those cute girls... How'd I get this blessed?

Andrew








* plus 3

Here's Your Stinkin' Update!

Okay, it looks like we have some answers and things are going to be just fine.

I had an appointment this morning and it was determined that the progesterone is what is keeping everything from progressing normally. My OB said that if I hadn't been taking it, I would have had my period by now. So I'm to stop taking it tonight, and should have a relatively normal period within the next week or so. Thank goodness we've figured all of that out! He said that the pregnancy likely ended within just days of implantation and it wouldn't have seemed like much more than a late period, had I not tested early, known early and called him when I got so sick.

I'm not upset. I'm really doing fine. It was very, very early, barely a blip on the pregnancy radar. I never had symptoms, never felt pregnant and we had a lot of time in the past week to get used to the idea of the pregnancy not continuing.
My OB said that I'm free to do whatever the heck we want, and we can try again immediately. I don't know if we will - we weren't trying before, so I'm not really sure if we're "trying" now. Of course, we never prevent either, so whatever! His timing is always perfect!

In the meantime, I have a LOT to do and get done around here! We're planning a family vacation, Lucy's starting her first year of preschool, soccer season is almost upon us and I'm just getting into a great gym routine. We have a very full Fall season planned, and we're going to start working more intensively with Molly, to see if we can tackle some of her behavioral issues. She's a doll, and I can't get enough of her, but she's very, very intense and something is triggering some VERY crazy days for her. I don't think it's normal 18-month-old behavior, but I can't exactly pin it down. I think we're going to work out cutting out food dyes and see if that makes a small difference at first. I think she has allergies, but I'm just not sure WHAT she's allergic to. I think we'll start with getting her diet a little more pure and go from there. She's really starting to talk, but my mother's intuition has always made me question her general health. It just feels like something isn't quite right - she seems uncomfortable and unhappy - like her highs are very high and her lows are very, very low. I'd like to get a handle on it so that she can learn to express herself a little better and respond to discipline. For the most part, I can handle her. But her crazy days are really something. She actually feels "crazed" to me. Something has to be setting her off- I just don't know what!
In other news, we got her a teeting necklace and it's been life changing! She hasn't had a snotty nose since the night we put it on. It's pretty much a MIRACLE. I'll keep you updated on that one - so far, amazing!
Well, I'm rambling now! Tomorrow is Andrew's birthday, so we're going to spend this afternoon getting the house all cleaned up and then after spin tonight, I'm going to send Andrew home with the gals so that I can do a little birthday shopping! I'm SO excited about his birthday! Lucy is also very, very excited. She's so cute. She can't stop talking about all the singing we're going to do! Love that little turkey!

Think We'll Just Wait Some More...

My 3rd round of blood tests are in. Also inconclusive. Fabulous. My OB was so confused and concerned that he wants me in first thing in the morning to try to look for himself. I go back tomorrow, for more blood draws, more tests and another sonogram. I am so tired. Both of my arms are bruised and sore from all the needles, my heart is heavy and my mind is just on E. The girls will be staying with a friend in the morning, which will help considerably.
My hCG levels went from 171 to 180 in 4 days. In short, that's bad. But coupled with the absolutely useless sonogram yesterday, my OB is very confused and starting to panic. I'm sure he'll be the one doing the sono tomorrow, to make sure they didn't miss an ectopic pregnancy somewhere. Other than that possibility, I don't know what else could be going on. I'm tired. The progesterone makes me SO exhausted. When I take it in the morning, I'm good if I had a full night's sleep. When I take my evening dose, the events of the day have taken such a toll that when it peaks after an hour, I absolutely crash wherever I am. I just get lightheaded and my eyes just close, and I go to sleep. I think I'm going to start taking it AS I get into bed to avoid an 8pm crash. I took it around 7 tonight and at exactly 8pm, I passed out for about 20 minutes. It's just awful.
So, I'm hoping for answers tomorrow, but it's not looking good. I've been hoping for answers for a week, and all I've gotten is a bunch of big yellow bruises to show for it.
I've resigned myself to a miscarriage, but no one's even talking about that yet, because they can't figure out where it would even come from, if there's nothing there to miscarry. But if there's nothing there, where's the hCG coming from? Trust me - not even Google has an answer for this one...I'd be sad about losing a baby, but so far, there's no baby there to lose. All I'm losing so far is my sanity, my patience and my grip on reality. I've been pregnant for two weeks and I still have no idea if I'm pregnant. This is just bizarre.

Still in the game?

So we went in to my beloved OB today, so have a sonogram and figure out what's going on with baby. In short, we have no idea.
The sonogram produced NO results. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The pregnancy is not ectopic, which is wonderful news. However, they didn't see a thing. My blood tests to this point are inconclusive and my OB thinks that my dates must be very off. I don't understand at all, and you'd think that by my third pregnancy, I'd have my dates down. But no....so they sent me for a third round of blood tests, which are now on their way to Austin for processing. Dr M would like to have my numbers well into the 300s...he told me I'm on pelvic rest and should be drinking as much water as I can. He also said that we shouldn't rule out a healthy baby at this point. So...more waiting. We're getting good at that. I'm cautiously optimistic, but very, very nervous. It's possible that the spotting I called him about last week was actually implantation, which could put a different spin on everything. So...we wait. I have another ultrasound next Friday.
I've been praying to the Divine Mercy like crazy. I don't know why, but it just feels like the right place. And today, I walked into the exam room and came face to face with a beautiful picture of the Divine Mercy. It was enough for me. :-)
So, we'll keep praying and hope that there's a baby beginning in there somewhere! It would truly be a miracle at this point, but I'm certainly not above receiving a miracle now and then.

If I make it to lunchtime, it'll be a miracle.


- Posted with love from my iPhone

Numb, numb, numb.

This time last week, I was blissfully happy. By Monday night, I was sick. By Tuesday night, I was stressed out.
Today, after labs and medicine and so much emotion, I'm just exhausted. I don't know what's coming from the pregnancy and what's coming from my own fear that this pregnancy will be short-lived. My emotions are all over the place. I want to know what's going on, but part of me doesn't want to hear a thing. If something's wrong, I want it over with. If everything is okay, I need someone to tell me that I can celebrate. I'm so tired of the back-and-forth craziness. Both of my arms are bruised from the blood draws, I'm wishing like crazy for physical symptoms and I'm just exhausted. I don't really know how I feel anymore.
I haven't worked out in a week - too nervous. I'm going to go to spin class tomorrow night, definitely. I'm not used to being so sedentary. I've been so tired and fearful that I've barely spoken to Andrew. Molly is driving me SO crazy. She's the most challenging, exhausting and frustrating child I've ever met. She just put me over the edge today. I know that all of her energy, bravery and chutzpah will take her to amazing places, but today it just took her to time-out and an early bedtime. I just couldn't take another second of the climbing, screeching, howling, biting, cackling and mess-making.
I just want to sit on my bed and stare at the wall. Obviously that's not the answer to what's ailing me, but that's really what I want to do right now. I just want to withdraw and let my mind go blank. If tomorrow they call and tell me it's more of the same waiting game, I'm not sure how I'll react.
Today at Mass I just turned it over to the Divine Mercy and told God that I'm prepared for whatever He has in store for me. Tonight, I don't feel so positive and strong. I just feel very, very, very weak. Too weak to feel, to talk or to think. Just weak.