Yesterday's colonoscopy was just heavenly. You know, as heavenly as a colonoscopy can be. It all went fine, but the results were less than fantastic, sadly. I knew that my condition would be found to have progressed, but nobody likes hearing it, and let me just tell you, I am the queen of denial and optimism.
The gist is this. My own particular brand of the disease has progressed, I am sicker than I have been before and I am starting to feel a little down. The idea of chronic pain is still relatively new to me as this disease never really caused me any pain. With each pregnancy, another painful part of it started to introduce itself, bringing me to where I am now. I now have more affected area in my colon and two large ulcers, as well as an eventual concern about perforation, should I go unmedicated. I go back in Tuesday to talk a little more in depth, and we'll start talking about drugs at that time. I anticipate starting immunosuppressive therapy within the month, which sounds positively thrilling, compared to what I'm dealing with right now. Most mornings I feel like I've been hit by a train, my abdomen is sore almost all the time, I'm tired most of the day and I feel pretty shaky doing almost everything. At this point, the thought of any drug that could give me relief is just so exciting. I just wish it was already Tuesday.
On the other hand, the drugs come with risks. The thought of my life being shortened because of a drug I'm taking voluntarily makes me want to cry. My emotional state is not great right now, knowing what I'm about to sign up for. It's not easy to find a lot of happy stories about all of this, and I'm so tired of worrying. I want to live to at least 85. I want great grandchildren climbing all over me. I want to hold hands with my wrinkly old husband and laugh about how he can never find his wallet. I want to look for my reading glasses all morning and let Andrew yell, "they're sitting right on your damn head, you nut!" I want to drive my children as crazy as they drive me. I'm scared of all the side effects listed in the BOOKS that come with these drugs. I don't want to go in for blood tests every six months and wonder if this is the draw that will mean extra testing.
I'm just nervy and now I'm being all pitiful. I'm not a pitiful person, and look at me! Acting like a complete baby about my freaking colon. I need more drama in my life. If all I have to worry about is my colon, I'm pretty sure my life is cake.
Well, I have to drag myself out from under my cozy blankets and clean my house. The kids are outside singing Annie songs, so now is the perfect time to crack the whip and make them clean their room, right? "This place better shine like the top of the Chrysler building!"
Don't worry about me, folks. It's probably just PMS and a lack of chocolate talking right now. What can you really expect from a stay at home mom of five on a Friday afternoon? It's a miracle I haven't gone completely batty at this point!
On ANOTHER note, it's Molly Rose's 5th birthday! I'll put all of the birthday party pictures up soon, but until then, just imagine the most awesome Despicable Me party EVER, and you'll be very close to the experience. Tonight we're having homemade Mac and cheese, French dips, hot dogs, chocolate cake and ice cream with our sweet baby girl. What a little treasure she is. There is nothing quite so sweet as being loved by Molly Rose.
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