So every morning between 4 & 6, my belly wakes me up. I'm cool with that, because many days I can get some of the chaos out of the way before the kids are up. I start my day with zofran for nausea, bentyl for spasms, tylenol for pain, prednisone for swelling. It's like the most painful food poisoning ever, every morning. Then I take a bath. The bath is nice because I can collect my thoughts, pull myself together, let my muscles settle down and just sort of ease into the day. The mornings where I'm jolted awake by kids and forced to make breakfast in all that pain are the bad ones.
It's funny how isolating this can be. It's incredibly eye-opening. I'll think to myself, "poor me...so alone...so tired...nobody can see my days, and nobody understands how hard this is." And then, when I come back to reality, I realize that my little journey is still a really damn good one, and there are so many people fighting invisible battles that are so much harder than this.
No, I'm not completely comfortable lately. But I have a large, warm home full of food and every material item I could possibly need. No, my head isn't in the most fantastic place lately, but I have the most amazing husband who would go to the ends of the earth for my health, safety, comfort and humor. No, it's not always easy taking care of five little ones in the middle of all of this, but I have FIVE amazing, adorable children who all grew inside me and greeted me with a healthy cry the moments of their birth. Yes, I'm suffering, but I suffer in total awareness that suffering is beautiful and can be used for so much good. Yes, I'm begging God for mercy and comfort, but He must be so happy to hear from me on a daily basis! There are moments when the prednisone doesn't agree with me and my blood sugar goes wild, sending the room spinning. I try to remember that it's a moment to have a cookie, pull a baby into my arms and snuggle on the couch. And then I have time to think about the time Andrew asked me to marry him in the rain, spinning my head into a lifetime of happiness.
I don't deny that this is hard, but it's a chance to be with my thoughts, to appreciate the comforts that I have and to thank God that He allows me to suffer instead of the precious people I love. A mama is so strong and resilient. There is truly no amount of physical pain a mother cannot bear when she has time to appreciate the relative health of her family. I'm happy to do it, every time I see them wrestle and giggle and climb dangerously. If someone has to do it, I'm glad it's me.
3 comments:
I am sorry your digestive system is having such difficulties. I don’t know if I know anyone who doesn’t have some digestive issue (which really makes me wonder about American food, but that is a different topic) but yours sounds especially challenging.
I think most people suffer unknowingly to the world. The illnesses, the heartaches, the disappointments, frustrations, dark nights, etc. are mostly hidden. And, while suffering “alone” can be a cross, I think, even those who suffer more visibly, carry a cross as well. To suffer visibly invites criticism, unwanted advice, or the humble need to be taken care of when they’d rather not be, etc. Personally I prefer the privacy of hidden suffering, but I do wish I had a better view and understanding of the merit of it. I wish that was not so hidden.
Anyway, I do hope you feel better and they sort out the medications soon. I do find it interesting that it happens every day at the same time. Why that time?
As a mama of four little ones with Crohns, I feel your pain. Literally.
Baths always make me feel better, too!
It sounds like you're doing a great job of keeping perspective. Praise God for the talented doctors and the medications that can help to keep us comfortable in the midst of these terrible diseases. I pray that you will one day experience full healing from this, and that in the meantime you will have peace.
This was great and really put things in great perspective for me. Thank you for the spiritual lift and reminder that it's better for us to suffer so that our families don't and it does bring us much closer to God. Praying for your health-jess
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