my name is laura and i hate children (?)

No, not really, you weirdo. Who hates children?

Tonight I was talking with a bunch of friends and I mentioned not be a kid person at all and I think it probably came out as "I hate children" which isn't exactly the case.

Children are just awkward to me. I have no idea what to do with them. I do great until about the age of 5. And then they get incredibly hard to figure. You can't fool a 5-year-old like you can fool a 3-year-old. From about 5 to...say...13, I just don't get them at all. Maybe it's just the fact that I sympathize with the awkwardness of childhood and would rather not add to the confusion? Being a school-aged kid was positively miserable for me. My self-confidence was at about a 2, and I just hated everything about being me. I spent every day in school wondering if all of my friends secretly hated me. I still feel like an awkward 10-year-old most of the time - I think I just feel like kids in that set are judging me. (and I'm pretty sure they should be...)

Toddlers are awesome. There is nothing about toddlers that I dislike. They're weird, wonderful and totally confident. They know they're awesome.They always say "please" and "thank-you," which is adorable. They're constantly stripping down and running around naked, they break things, they bathe in their food...what's not to like? And they're hilarious. I always thought it would be awesome to have a pet monkey. What's more awesome is a monkey who says approximately 40 words and doesn't eat bugs out of my hair. Win-win!

I'm really not a baby person, either. Don't get me wrong, I looooooove babies, but in small doses. The fact of the matter is, babies only like people in small doses, so it stands to reason that the feeling be mutual. The only person they want to see for more than 20 minutes is Mommy. I try not to disrupt the flow by assuming babies want anyone but their mothers. (Although I should point out, my godson N seems to think I'm an amazing baby swooper - he may feel that way about everyone at this point - he really seems to reserve all judgement.)

I'm sure I'll feel differently about school-age children once I actually have school-age children. At this point, I may as well be talking about aliens, as my expertise really only lies in the 3 and under set. I sort of feel the same way about birds. Having very little experience with them, I'm mostly afraid they're going to peck my eyes out and poop on me. But every so often I meet a bird I'm not terrified of, and it gets me through. I know several school-aged children, and I'm not completely terrified of them, but I'm pretty sure that a roomful for 9-year-olds would really put me on edge. Sort of like locking me in an aviary.


This didn't help me sort through my feelings at all.