How to tell if your kitchen floor is level.

1. Drop a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's as you approach the pantry door. Marvel at the way the lid cracks open and half the bottle immediately pours out. Whisper-scream a profanity just loud enough for your four-year-old to ask, "Was that a bad word?"

2. Notice that the syrup is rushing under the pad of your Wet Jet. Grab the Wet Jet and put it on the sink, allowing the pad to hang over the sink. Very gingerly peel the pad off and leave it in the sink.

3. Attempt to mop up half bottle of syrup, wondering why anyone would ever put items on the floor of  the pantry when there could be a syrup catastrophe at any moment.

4. Note that 5-week-old and 2-year-old are crying in unison. Maybe even harmonizing. Because it's a beautiful morning! It is now glaringly obvious that the Lord does not send angels to entertain your child, as she is never found smiling at nothingness in front of her. Lord = 1, you = 0.

5. Rinse out already-filthy-before-syrup washrag and vow to find another before Tuesday. Notice that the Wet Jet pad is almost as absorbent as a nursing pad, and we're always looking for items that are as absorbent as nursing pads. Score!

6. Yeah, the kitchen floor is not level.