This time last week, I was blissfully happy. By Monday night, I was sick. By Tuesday night, I was stressed out.
Today, after labs and medicine and so much emotion, I'm just exhausted. I don't know what's coming from the pregnancy and what's coming from my own fear that this pregnancy will be short-lived. My emotions are all over the place. I want to know what's going on, but part of me doesn't want to hear a thing. If something's wrong, I want it over with. If everything is okay, I need someone to tell me that I can celebrate. I'm so tired of the back-and-forth craziness. Both of my arms are bruised from the blood draws, I'm wishing like crazy for physical symptoms and I'm just exhausted. I don't really know how I feel anymore.
I haven't worked out in a week - too nervous. I'm going to go to spin class tomorrow night, definitely. I'm not used to being so sedentary. I've been so tired and fearful that I've barely spoken to Andrew. Molly is driving me SO crazy. She's the most challenging, exhausting and frustrating child I've ever met. She just put me over the edge today. I know that all of her energy, bravery and chutzpah will take her to amazing places, but today it just took her to time-out and an early bedtime. I just couldn't take another second of the climbing, screeching, howling, biting, cackling and mess-making.
I just want to sit on my bed and stare at the wall. Obviously that's not the answer to what's ailing me, but that's really what I want to do right now. I just want to withdraw and let my mind go blank. If tomorrow they call and tell me it's more of the same waiting game, I'm not sure how I'll react.
Today at Mass I just turned it over to the Divine Mercy and told God that I'm prepared for whatever He has in store for me. Tonight, I don't feel so positive and strong. I just feel very, very, very weak. Too weak to feel, to talk or to think. Just weak.
2 comments:
Huge hugs. Hang in there and try to stay positive.
Dear Sweet Laura,
... You are not alone. Myself and many others have been in your shoes going through agonizing hour after hour in a state of emotional exhaustion feeling sad, numb, frustrated and short tempered. And when you're feeling that way its really hard to pull it all together and carry on with the "life as usual" approach the kids are use to simply because they know no better. They cant possibly begin to feel or understand your pain, nor would you ever want them to anyways. You have done the best thing possible and turn the situation over to God. Cling to Andrew and find comfort in his warm loving arms. Thinking of you, and sending lots of love, hugs and prayers your way.
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