A Life Apart: Part 1 - A Call to Authenticity

What is A Life Apart? It's freedom from the Culture of Death, and the decline of marriage and the family. It's a call to rise above the mainstream ideals of sex, love and the human condition. A Life Apart is the belief that anyone can reclaim their faith, find spectacular love and live an authentic life. Through a series of guest posts, crazy ideas and fabulous resources, we'll introduce you to a way of living that'll leave you thinking harder and making changes. This series will post on Wednesdays until we run out of things to say. :-)

Now you might be thinking, "Psh. Catholics couples don't have sex. Their babies fall from the sky and into the pew!" But did you know that the Catholic Church is well-formed, well-informed and well-spoken on what goes on in the bedroom?

Many, many Catholics (90%, anyone?) feel that the Magisterium (ooh, big word! It just means, "all the guys in charge" for now) is a big group of old guys who have no place speaking about sex when they're nothing but a bunch of celibates who make rules all day. Is this how you feel? I felt this way at one point. In today's world of "me first" thinking and on-the-spot satisfaction, this is a perfectly reasonable line of thought.

But as it happens, your feelings might be missing the mark on this one. I'm not here to convince you. I'm just here to relay the message.

My Story

Forgive me if this seems disjointed. When something is SO important to you, it's hard to make the words make sense sometimes. 

The journey of marriage begins with one step. But how do you know if it's a step in the right direction?

Four years and a few months ago, Andrew and I had a wedding. It was fabulous. We said our vows, I drank too much champagne and then we went back to our hotel room and watched Shark Week. After Shark Week, we went out to Don Pablo's with our friends. A few days later, we went on our honeymoon where we ended up with sunburns and duty-free liquor. All in all, a fabulous celebration. When we opened our gifts and cards, the only thing I could remember from the entire day was a card from my new parents-in-law. Andrew's mother had written, "Be life-giving." It stuck in my head like a radio jingle. It's still stuck in my head. Just hanging out there, repeating over and over.

And then we settled back into our lives, living our wedding vows blissfully.

Or did we?

We never fight. We've actually never had an argument that turned into anything but a polite discussion. We're just not wired like that. We're incredibly considerate of one another. We have great kids and we share duties well. We love to travel together and we're very supportive of one another's dreams. We love to be active together and we even enjoy the same foods. He eats anything I cook and never criticizes the way I run the house. I adore him and think he's very cute. He thinks my postpartum body is amazing. (whatever...) We attend Church every Sunday and are raising the girls to have great manners. I spend too much money and he just grins and bears it. We're best friends and life together is just peachy. Like I said, blissful.

What could possibly be missing? We're living our wedding vows perfectly. Heck, you could even call us "life-giving."

Or are we?

Here is what we promised 4 years and a few months ago.

The Marriage Sacrament

Priest: Dear Friends, you have come here today that our Lord may seal your love in the presence of the Priest and this community. Prior to celebrating this sacrament, let me first be assured of your intentions and commitment.

1) Have you come here of your free will and choice, without compulsion, to marry each other? We have.

2) Will you love and honor each other in marriage all the days of your life? We will.

3) Are you willing to accept with love the children God may send you, and bring them up in the love of Christ and his Church? We are

Priest: So I now invite you to declare before God and his church your consent to become husband and wife.

Declaration of Consent The Groom asks the Bride:

N.: N., do you consent to be my wife? [N.: I do.]

The Bride asks the Groom :

N.: N., do you consent to be my husband? [N.: I do].

The Groom says:

N., I take you as my wife, and I give myself as your husband to have and to hold. For better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

The Bride says:

N., I take you as my husband, and I give myself as your wife to have and to hold. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,till death do us part.

I give myself every day. Andrew gives himself every day. We give and give and give. What part of ourselves are we not giving? Marriage is nothing but giving. But is it "life-giving?"

As much as I was giving, there was something being held back. 

We knew going into our marriage that we weren't going to use the Pill to avoid pregnancy. Something like that just can't cut it in a Catholic family. That much we knew. Although we'd been raised as devout Catholics and married in the Church, we were immediately overwhelmed with the Church's views on birth control and sexuality. How on earth could we have sex like newlyweds and not get pregnant without some sort of outside help? We reluctantly began researching Natural Family Planning, the Church's answer to our question. 

Huh?

First, with so much confusion abounding, a word on what Natural Family Planning (NFP) is not: It is not the antiquated and often-ineffective rhythm method. Modern NFP (also known as the Ovulation Method, the Sympto-Thermal Method, or the Creighton Model) is a thoroughly researched, safe, medically effective and family-supportive method of fertility regulation which can be used either to avoid a pregnancy or to achieve one. It has been used effectively worldwide for over 20 years.
NFP is completely natural and does not use drugs, devices or surgery. It is simply a method of recognizing and charting the easily observable signs of fertility exhibited by a woman's body. Then by applying a few simple guidelines, these observations can be used by a couple to avoid a pregnancy or to assist in achieving one. Studies by the World Health Organization have concluded that couples who learn the Ovulation Method from a certified instructor and apply the guidelines conscientiously can achieve a 98.6-99 percent effectiveness rate in avoiding pregnancy. 

From nfpoutreach.org 


Still confused? 


Here's what Christopher West  has to say about it:

Contraception v. Natural Family Planning

For several columns now we’ve been reflecting on the Church’s teaching on contraception in commemoration of the fortieth anniversary of Pope Paul VI’s letter Humanae Vitae.  We’ve observed that sexual intercourse is meant to incarnate the marriage commitment itself, and that an integral part of that commitment is openness to children.

So, does fidelity to the wedding vows imply that couples are to leave the number of children they have entirely to “chance”? No. In calling couples to a responsible love, the Church calls them also to a responsible parenthood.

Pope Paul VI stated clearly that those are considered “to exercise responsible parenthood who prudently and generously decide to have a large family, or who, for serious reasons and with due respect to the moral law, choose to have no more children for the time being or even for an indeterminate period” (HV 10). Notice that large families should result from prudent reflection, not “chance.” Notice too that couples must have “serious reasons” to avoid pregnancy and must respect the moral law.

Assuming a couple have a serious reason to avoid a child (this could be financial, physical, psychological, etc.), what could they do that would not violate the consummate expression of their sacrament? In other words, what could they do to avoid conceiving a child that would not render them unfaithful to their wedding vows? You’re doing it right now (I presume). They could abstain from sex. There is nothing wrong with abstaining from sex when there’s a good reason to do so. The Church has always recognized that the only method of “birth control” that respects the language of divine love is “self-control.”

A further question arises: Would a couple be doing anything to falsify their sexual union if they embraced during a time of natural infertility? Take, for example, a couple past childbearing years. They know their union will not result in a child. Are they violating their vows if they engage in intercourse with this knowledge? Are they contracepting? No. Contraception, by definition, is the choice to engage in an act of intercourse, but then do something else to render it sterile. This can be done by using various devices, hormones, surgical procedures, and the age-old method of withdrawal.

Couples who use natural family planning (NFP) when they have a just reason to avoid pregnancy never render their sexual acts sterile; they never contracept. They track their fertility, abstain when they are fertile and, if they so desire, embrace when they are naturally infertile. Readers unfamiliar with modern NFP methods should note that they are 98-99% effective at avoiding pregnancy when used properly. Furthermore, any woman, regardless of the regularity of her cycles, can use NFP successfully. This is not your grandmother’s “rhythm method.”

To some people this seems like splitting hairs. “What’s the big difference,” they ask, “between rendering the union sterile yourself and just waiting until it’s naturally infertile? The end result is the same: both couples avoid children.” To which I respond, what’s the big difference between killing Grandma and just waiting until she dies naturally? End result’s the same thing: dead Grandma. Yes, but one is a serious sin called murder, and the other is an act of God.

If a person can tell the difference between euthanasia and natural death, he can tell the difference between contraception and NFP.  It’s the same difference.  I’m not equating contraception and murder.  That’s not the analogy.  Rather, Grandma’s natural death and a woman’s natural period of infertility are both acts of God. But in killing Grandma or in rendering sex sterile, we take the powers of life into our own hands—just like the deceiver originally tempted us to do—and make ourselves like God (see Gn 3:5).

This is why Pope John Paul II concludes that contraception “is to be judged so profoundly unlawful as never to be, for any reason, justified. To think or to say the contrary is equal to maintaining that in human life, situations may arise in which it is lawful not to recognize God as God” (address Oct. 10, 1983).

If you have resisted the Church’s teaching on contraception, maybe it’s time to give it some more thought.
 

(My, but that sounds "life-giving...")

So we figured, sure, we can do that, if we have to. We sort of started studying on our own and eventually threw away the condoms. It's a big step in a marriage and big leap of faith to do something like this. Looking back, I think it was a half-hearted attempt. Deep down, neither of us minded the idea of a baby, but that in itself was a hard leap to take, as well. We just sort of stumbled along, hoping for the best.

Something was niggling away at me. Something was unsettled. We wanted to live our vows as authentically as possible and we were really trying to be good Catholics. The Church's view of birth control and family planning still felt a little stifling, even if we didn't necessarily disagree with the process. We weren't ready for babies quite yet, and newlyweds have a lot of sex. In the Catholic Church, marriage is a sacrament. It's heavy. The marital commitment is a call to be Christ to one another. I can't even be Christ to stray dogs, let alone to a person who wears socks to bed!

So what was missing? I understood the physical, but the "why" behind it was still confusing to me. Couldn't a couple be open to God's plan and just stop using condoms when He told them the time was right? Why on earth couldn't the Catholic Church just trust that God would give you a sign and open your heart at the right moment? What on earth was the big deal???

I've fought God tooth and nail on this one. Lucky for me, my prayers always end with, "Just give me clarity. The ball's in your court, here." 

One day, (a tad too recently to admit) it finally clicked. I got it. When I said I do, I promised to give myself. I didn't promise to give all of me but my fertility. I didn't say, "Well, sure. I'll give whatever I can, when it's convenient. I'll go ahead and give you, say...my brain now, and then you can have access to the rest of me when your MBA's done." It just doesn't work like that. My vows promised a complete gift of myself. Is Andrew truly honoring all of me if he so willingly takes everything but the chance to create a life with me? Giving of ourselves shouldn't involve barriers or artificial "help." All of a sudden, I knew what "life-giving" meant. 

Life-giving. Heavy, heavy stuff. In marriage, we're called to serve and serve and serve. We serve because it brings us great joy to serve the one we love. We're not subservient, but service-minded. We give life in our thoughts and actions and through the small things that add up to a fruitful marriage. But what so many people are missing is the fact that you can't truly be life-giving until your intentions and actions reflect your marriage vows. BOOM. The vows we gave to one another seemed so easy as we skipped across "I give myself..." in the joy of our wedding day. Four years later, I get it. I really and truly can see what marriage should look like. Now that is Christ-like. All of a sudden, we're able to truly be Christ to one another. We're not holding anything back. We're authentic and complete in every aspect of our marriage. Wow.


So what if you're not Catholic? What can NFP do for you? Check back tomorrow for a fabulous post from Jenna, on exactly what happens when you start questioning the people who have your "best interests" at heart.