A Life Apart: Part 2 - Rallying The Troops: Jenna's Story

What is A Life Apart? It's freedom from the Culture of Death, and the decline of marriage and the family. It's a call to rise above the mainstream ideals of sex, love and the human condition. A Life Apart is the belief that anyone can reclaim their faith, find spectacular love and live an authentic life. Through a series of guest posts, crazy ideas and fabulous resources, we'll introduce you to a way of living that'll leave you thinking harder and making changes. This series will post on Wednesdays until we run out of things to say. :-)

Welcome, Jenna! Jenna Bonner is a 23-year-old newlywed and medical student. She lives in Maryland with her husband, Ben. I am so blessed to count her among my friends and I know you'll be amazed by her frank words and leave-you-speechless discoveries. Grab a cup of coffee and a muffin, folks. You won't get up again until you read it all. 

Angry. Disillusioned. Betrayed. I can’t really begin to put into words the way I felt as I scrolled down the list. ‘But you know, this can’t be legit. It’s probably some specific version of the Pill that I don’t even take,’ I reassured myself as I searched. Asbestos. Everyone knows asbestos. Benzene. Ooo, benzene. I remember benzene from lab safety. And there it was: “estrogen-progestogen oral contraceptives”. I dashed to my nightstand to grab my current pill pack, frantically searching for the “clinical names” of the drugs it contained. Desogestrel.  Ahhh (sigh of relief). No progestin. Wait - better check. Google. “Desogestrel – a progesterone-like hormone, or progestin…” Speechless. Back to the list.

 Practically holding my jaw closed with one hand, I read on. Formaldehyde. Hepatitis C Virus. HIV. Mustard gas. Radon. X radiation. Alcohol and tobacco. Would I pump any of these horrifically harmful substances into my bloodstream daily? Sure, we all have a drink here and there. Everyone’s had an X-ray. But we are all empirically aware of these dangers – we are forewarned (repeatedly and emphatically) about the risks we take when we submit our bodies to such toxic exposures. As I sifted through a list of all-too-familiar chemical compounds – substances that I once handled with special gloves and a lab coat strictly within the confines of a chemical fume hood – my thoughts wandered, years and years back.

Back to my first OB/GYN visit.

Vulnerable. Nervous. Heck, I was darn-near petrified. I was sixteen, maybe barely seventeen, and looking to start on “the Pill”. I was in love (in my defense, I did end up marrying the guy!), I was “doing it”, and I needed to keep “that” from happening. Much to my surprise, however, it was quite simple. Despite the uncertainty and unpleasantness of my first annual pelvic exam, I left the office with a smile on my face and a prescription in my hand. The only instruction I had been given was that I was to take it at the same time every day, and to be careful if I ever missed a dose or two in a row. SWEET! And so I set off into a brave new world of sexual liberation.

So, here’s a question for ya. Anyone ever think to mention that the pills that I was taking – and would presumably continue taking for years, until I was prepared to bear children – were lumped in with formaldehyde and mustard gas by the World Health Organization (WHO) for their cancer-causing properties?!?! How about the significant blood clot and stroke risk? Fertility issues?  ANYBODY?!?!
Allow me to back it up for a moment. I’m a “scientist” by training – a current medical student (and future physician, one could presume, if medical school doesn’t kill me first) with a Bachelor’s in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology and a strong background in biomedical research. I am also a born-again Christian. Given my background, it will surely come as no surprise to many of you that I may have harbored, at one time or another, a rather smug attitude toward the “Catholic nuts” who oppose contraception. That just always seemed rather “over the top” to me. I’m still not sure how I feel about contraception as a general principle, as far as Biblical teachings are concerned, but that’s another topic for another day. The point is that my initial reaction when I saw that one of my “Catholic nut” friends had posted a link on the carcinogenic properties of the Pill was “This can’t be legit. Just another one of those ‘Catholic nut’ websites.” But sure enough, there was science. There were studies. The website was respectable. It was “legit”.

Within hours, having scoured the internet and sufficiently terrified myself, I was launching my own post to link my own friends to the list. I was showing my husband the list. I was lamenting the consequences of this unfortunate but oh-so-important find. Where would we go from here? Condoms? Shudder. Gross. Or how about… well, that was pretty much the extent of my own mental list of “reliable” alternatives. It was my husband’s first suggestion as well. ‘So what does this mean, I just have to start wearing condoms all the time now?’ [Wife puts on disgusted face.] ‘What, I’d rather wear condoms and have you around longer!’ [Wife smiles, ‘awww, he loves me.’] ‘What, how could I NOT want you to go off it now? And what else are we gonna do!?’ [Good point].

We went to bed that evening with a giant question mark hanging over our heads. I took my Pill like I always do, not quite ready to make any “rash decisions”, but it didn’t go down as smoothly as it used to. I likened it to my “tanning days” (back in high school, and admittedly a bit in college) – the warmth of the lights is relaxing, and your fresh glowing tan makes you feel so attractive, but the entire time you’re laying there thinking “SKIN CANCER SKIN CANCER SKIN CANCER SKIN CANCER AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”. At least that’s what I do. The Pill is reassuring. It’s a safety net. But for the first time in my life, I was conscious of the fact that my blood was boiling over with dangerous artificial hormones. Suddenly, I wasn’t feeling so “reassured” anymore.

The next day, I awoke to a slew of responses to my post about the list from friends and relatives. As I scrolled through them, I was surprised to find that none of my “science nerd” friends had posted a link that blew this whole thing out of the water, which is what I half-expected (and was sorta hoping for, to be honest!). My husband’s cousin said something about “NFP”, which I glossed over, having no clue what that stood for. But once I reached the end of the thread I returned to her reply, curious. It was the only one that had mentioned any sort of alternative, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to check it out. NFP, huh. Google. “NFP”. “Natural Family Planning”. Ahhhh, Catholic nut stuff. Eh, what the heck. I followed some link, and I didn’t look too deeply into it, but I noticed that there seemed to be some sort of structured method to it, which surprised and intrigued me. I immediately knew who to ask. Facebook chat. ‘Laura Cooke. Are you there?!?!’

Oh, she was there alright. We chatted. Many an e-mail was exchanged. She shared her personal experiences, websites, books, and something in me was just possessed by this stuff. I couldn’t believe that there existed a natural method of birth control that when used properly is just as effective as the Pill! Could it be true?! I looked into several different studies that cited 99 and even 100% effectiveness! I read more on the “nuts and bolts” of the method, which was no doubt rather intimidating at first. Checking my own cervical fluid daily? Cervical position? How graphic. But it didn’t take me long to figure out what was really going on in my mind.

The idea of being so intimately familiar with my own gynecological and reproductive health was completely foreign to me. I hadn’t even had a real cycle since I was 16 years old – what would I know about eggwhite cervical fluid? The entire issue of my own fertility had been sterilized, chemicalized and filed away for “some day down the road when you’re ready for kids”. I mean, after all, who wants to think about their own reproductive health when they’re not even reproducing? Those many years ago, I was essentially told that I didn’t need that part of myself. It was something extra  - nothing but a nuisance to someone like me who was just trying to enjoy her sexuality without the threat of unwanted pregnancy.

A sudden wave of regret washed over me. Now that I was a woman, I felt like a stripped down version of myself. Outwardly I certainly still looked female, but inwardly I realized that my body had been robbed of its femininity. Then the tears came. I was a 23-year-old woman – a woman of prime child-bearing age – and I probably couldn’t conceive a child at this moment if my life depended on it. It would take weeks, months, possibly even years for my body to re-set itself, to flush out the artificial hormones, to get back to its natural state, to ovulate and cycle normally again. I realized the irony of the Pill for the first time: what once felt so liberating suddenly felt like a tremendous burden – a prison surrounding my womanhood. It wasn’t that I was planning on getting pregnant any time soon, but rather that for the first time I really felt how “wrong” it seemed that I physically couldn’t.

And then came the conviction. Oh, how the Holy Spirit had been waiting for this particular door to open up in my heart! The Heavenly Troops were rallying – I could feel it. I could see it. The Bible verses I stumbled across. The quotes from Christian books that people in my life were sharing with me – people that didn’t even know what was going on with me. It’s amazing how God just throws up giant road signs in your life when the timing is right, in such a way that you couldn’t avoid them if you tried. He was speaking to me so clearly and so vividly, and I felt such joy and peace surrounding this entire endeavor. And then Laura said something to me that nearly knocked me right off the couch.
“You never know where life is going to take you and the intimacy that NFP provides gives you a chance to explore together the fact that God has a plan for every baby and His timing is never wrong. As you spend each month re-evaluating His plan for your family, you really grow together in an amazing way.”

The effect that statement would have on me probably wasn’t entirely obvious to Laura when she wrote it, but God very rapidly wove it into a heavy conviction on my heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was spending so much of my prayer life desperately pleading with God that when the time was right for us to start our family, He’d reveal His plan to us both and prepare our hearts to make the right decision. Yet at the same time I was essentially ensuring that, short of a near-miracle, we could not conceive. By taking the Pill, I was saying ‘God, please reveal your timing to us… in a year or two when we make the conscious decision that it’s time for us to go off the Pill and start trying.’ In practical terms, I was making it nearly impossible to respond to the stirrings of the Holy Spirit in our marriage – even if we were feeling led toward starting our family sooner than we had planned on going off the Pill, it would be such a "process" to actually act on that. That "process" would not only mess up the timing by forcing us to wait until things were back on track, but would also probably make us less likely to act at all (we'd probably be more likely to second-guess or wait longer to be more "sure" before taking that plunge).

I was essentially asking for God’s timing within our framework of what might be acceptable. And we were setting ourselves up to seek a worldly, human answer to what should be a divinely-directed issue in our lives. I could just see it – the argument over when to go off the Pill, who was “ready” and who wasn’t between us, when having a child might “fit” into my rigorous educational timeline... Honestly, what human being would want the responsibility of fitting all those pieces together, when His plan is always perfect, 100% of the time? The idea of truly and completely handing it over to the One who already knows our future suddenly felt like an enormous relief! Why hadn’t we thought of this before?!?!

Of course, then there was the issue of getting my husband “on board” with this whole thing. That prospect sure brought me back down the Earth. My husband is a 25-year-old man and a notoriously big kid at heart, which is one of the reasons that I love him so much. But it also means that he may take longer than some other men to feel “ready” for children. I have already reached that point in life that many women begin to tangibly feel that “something is missing”. The ache has begun. And boy, does it ACHE. It is all-consuming and quite honestly makes me feel like a lunatic much of the time. However, I know that dear hubby is not quite there yet, which is fine. Ok, it makes me want to cry sometimes, but it’s not a source of conflict – it’s just my reality for now. Child-bearing is not something to argue over or to force onto someone, and I feel strongly that part of God’s timing for us will involve a change in Ben’s heart. And so, I wait. But for now, I’ll simply say that he is more or less TERRIFIED of unintended pregnancy.

You can see where this is going, I’m sure. The Pill is something that he can see, something he trusts. He sees me take it every night before bed. It has held him in good stead for the better part of 7 years now. It’s like an old buddy. Finding out just how harmful it was to me was quite traumatic for him. As I mentioned, it didn’t take him long to change his tune, but the question mark it left behind was like a big, hairy, scary monster under the proverbial bed. Well, IN our bed, really! Neither of us likes condoms (I mean, I don’t think anyone actually likes them), but again, they are concrete barriers that he can see and trust. NFP was going to be abstract and unknown to him. Being a medical student, I know PLENTY (more than I ever wanted to memorize, quite frankly) about hormones and the female reproductive cycle – it was easy for me to understand and internalize the principles behind the method. For him, understanding the science behind it all would be a challenge, and agreeing to it would be a huge step of faith and a profound expression of trust in me. Oh, how I prayed that afternoon before he got home from work.

And there it was, another big old smack on top of the head from God. Another blatant road sign that I couldn’t ignore. As my husband and I strolled through our neighborhood discussing NFP, its statistical effectiveness, the method we’d use, my feelings about my womanhood, his feelings about the risks… he grabbed my hand. He asked a lot of questions, he expressed some skepticism, but he never let go of my hand. It may not mean a whole lot to anyone else, but it said worlds to me about what was going on inside of him. I expected fearful defensiveness, resistance, maybe even some misplaced anger. But he never let go of my hand. Within the hour, he said “I know I can trust you. Let’s do it.” And THAT, my friends, was the road sign to beat all road signs. It was almost the complete opposite of what I had expected, and there was simply no explanation for it apart from God’s hand on my husband’s heart.

For the rest of the evening, we excitedly pondered the many advantages of NFP. By the time we were ready to try, I’d know my cycle inside and out – it would make conception a breeze, which would be extremely beneficial given the constraints of my educational timeline. If there were going to be any cycle-related road blocks to my fertility, we’d know about them in advance through examining my charts. We wouldn’t need to worry about how long it would take my body to “come off the Pill” completely and try to time that appropriately, nor would we have to worry about that hindrance to any Spiritual “nudgings” that we might encounter. Of course, the list goes on. But the point is, Laura was SO right.

That evening, the concept of Natural Family Planning single-handedly engendered an entirely new level of trust and closeness between my husband and I. We walked closer to each other, we snuggled up closer on the couch, we touched each other more – something new and different was hanging in the air between us.  We had taken control of this central aspect of our marriage – something that had been “sterilized, chemicalized and filed away” so many years ago. It was a big deal, and it was our big deal. We felt grown up, responsible, and together in it all, in a whole new way. NFP is a commitment, and I can’t say that I believe it’s a great choice for just anyone. It does require a meticulous nature, attention to detail, and unwavering persistence to be practiced effectively as a method of birth control. But I’ll tell you that it has already changed my life, and we haven’t even officially begun using the method just yet.

The choice to switch to NFP had little to do with “religion” in my case – though I’ve stopped using the term “Catholic nuts” ;] It began as a conscious choice to protect my health, based firmly in my understanding of science and medicine, and it grew into a conscious choice to open up my marriage and family planning to the prodding of the Holy Spirit. I don’t believe that chemical contraception is morally wrong (Jenna asked me to mention that she did, in fact, eat her words just days later; catch up on that post HERE), but in our case we felt that it had become an artificial barrier to the intimate communion with the Lord that we desire for our family, and that it carried with it risks to my health that simply were not acceptable. NFP offers an effective and natural alternative that is slowly but surely returning my precious womanhood to me, and now that I realize what that means to me, I’ll never let go of it again.

You can find Jenna at her personal blog, Beyond These Walls. Thank you, Jenna! What an amazing journey you and Ben have ahead of you. :-)