Is it any wonder I'm wide awake and wondering why this night is dragging so slowly? Nights like tonight are the reason our children are adequately spaced. I honestly wake up at 4am and think, "There is no possible way I can ever do this again."
I try to think of a new baby in my arms in exactly 8 weeks. A tiny, squirmy, hot, nursing, swaddled, pink baby. I try to think of only looking 4 months pregnant instead of two million. I try to think of mixed drinks. Nothing seems to help. I'm seriously entering pity-party mode. It's the kind of night where I want to shake my painlessly snoozing baby-making partner in crime and yell, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SACRIFICING FOR OUR FAMILY!!!!!!"
But that would be spiritually dead and a little rude. I am so glad Lent starts tomorrow. Funny how the last 8 weeks of this painful pregnancy will line up perfectly with the suffering and passion of the Lord. I'm going to need that perspective to get me through. I'm giving up facebook and forums for Lent, but more importantly, I know that the next 40 days will really be about maximum suffering, physically. Every day that passes seems to get more painful and exhausting, and some days I feel so alone - pregnancy can be so isolating when you feel like the only one who's moving slow and trying not to cry. My pelvis really wasn't made for this, and the horrible back pain it contributes to from here on out is a constant reminder that I'll never be able to push a baby out.
I am so excited about this baby, but the fact that I only have c-sections always makes me feel like I'm on borrowed time and that each pregnancy may be my last. It's so bittersweet when I'm in this much pain and still loving the movement and baby tickles. I'm just a mess, and 4am doesn't help.
Oh look, it's almost 5! Well, better than nothing. Would it be wrong to eat a bowl of cereal now? I've been awake so long that my stomach and my baby are both rallying for breakfast. This is going to be a very long day.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry you're feeling miserable, and alone. If it helps at all-- you're right though, you're not alone even though it always feels like it. I always feel that way when pregnant,especially at the end! It is nice that your last few weeks line up with Lent... focusing on Christ's passion and offering up my suffering is the ONLY way I EVER make it through pregnancy. You can do it!! This baby will be so worth it! Hang in there sweetie, we love you and pray for you every single day!
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