There are still days when I can't even breathe for all the grief inside me. Three times a week, maybe more, I find myself crying when I pick up the phone and wish I could call Grandma to have a laugh. Her joy-filled laugh is something I need most days when I have these girls hanging from my legs and another baby trying to get out of my belly button.

Grandma Susie just loved babies. Any baby at all. She'd hold them and kiss them and bounce them until her arms positively gave out. And then she'd pick them up again and do it all over again. Couldn't stay away from the babies. She was so tickled that we weren't going to find out the sex of the baby. That's how it was supposed to be, she said. She was always ready with an excited "oooooh!" and was so excited about finding out what we were having.

Grandma would have been waiting with her phone in her hand on May 3rd. I just hope that she already knows who this little one is and is already celebrating. The thought of not hearing her jump out of her chair with excitement makes my heart so heavy. It feels like for all the love and excitement in the room, something will be missing from my joy.

I know that there wasn't a day in Grandma's adult life that she didn't wish she could pick up her own phone and call her own grandma for a laugh. She never stopped talking about how much she adored her and missed her "best friend." I know that I'll get back there someday, when I can speak about these things out loud again. For now, my blog doesn't worry when I cry, so I keep it here and in my heart.

As for today, it sucks to miss someone.