How can someone like me feel like God isn't always close to her? Mother Teresa said that she felt far from the Lord for most of her life. I feel like that. However, Mother Teresa was one of those people who was so close to God that just being close was never enough. I don't know that I'm one of those people.
I'm surrounded by blessings. How can I feel so close, and yet so far? I spend my day with with this little person who truly lights up my life and shows me every minute of the day that people don't just happen. Each one is uniquely and divinely created. I have a little angel inside me, kicking and rolling all day long. She reminds me that life is so short and that God is in me even when it feels like He's not in my heart. I live in one of the more beautiful places I've ever seen and spend so much time looking out over our gorgeous mountains. I live across from a cemetery. I'm reminded every time I look out my window that nothing is forever, and life is still forever. I'm married to Andrew, who is truly Christ to me every day. He gives his time, energy, money, belongings and heart to everyone, even if he does take the blankets at night. We received a lot of advice from people when we got married. The only advice I remember was from my mother-in-law. She said to "be life-giving." Some days I feel like the only life I can give is having babies. Still, Andrew and I move like one person in everything we do and that makes it a good, life-giving match. There are days when getting dinner on the table is the last thing I want to do and there are mornings when making a lunch for Andrew feels like a huge task. But He did say to feed His people, so I do it.
And still, when I pray I feel like I'll never be close to God like other people seem to be. I feel farthest from Him in Church and closest to Him when I hold my baby. The blessings in my life move me to tears but the prayers feel so automatic to me. The "real" prayers are the ones I cry at 4pm when I don't have the energy to keep going and the tiny "thank-you's" I whisper as my mommy tears keep Lucy warm as she sleeps. Maybe those are just the prayers a young mom is supposed to pray. Maybe some people just "feel" God instead. Maybe everyone feels like me. I've never been as aware of God as I am now, feeling an extra set of hands on my back when I want to stop moving, feeling another pair of arms when one set just won't do.
My faith is still a mustard seed. I sometimes think it'll never be much bigger than that. But faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, so I suppose that's just fine. Some seeds never get any bigger. I know this because I'm a terrible gardener. However, my seed is tended by someone who is MUCH better with flowers than I am. I have nowhere to go but up, right?
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2 comments:
I think you have answered your own question. God is near you everyday all day. He is there in your family, in your love and in the Eucharist.
Don't be discouraged because you don't have the same prayer life as a contemplative. That is a different state in life than you are living right now. The important thing is to keep praying, keep going to Him and to keep your attention on His will. You may feel like you can't find Him, but that's OK because He has already found you. Sometimes when we are close to something very big it can be so hard to see it. Just look at God the way Lucy looks at Andrew. She doesn't understand what he does, she doesn't know how he holds up her world and she really can't even imagine how much he loves her, but she does know that when she is with him she is happy, and she knows that He is a central part of her life. That's it, that's all you need.
Nowwhere to go but up. Amen. I think the exact same things Laura... so it's not just you :) I think us young Mom's can sometimes only focus and feel close to God when we are holding babies at 3am, because, well, that's the only quiet time we have to feel close. Hang in there... you're doing GREAT. I'm so proud of you- AND Andrew, you are great parents. All my love!
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